Steven Moffat is a Cunt (part 2) - The Final End

"The Name of the Doctor" was an exercise in masturbation, in which Moffat copy-pasted his fanfic characters throughout the entirety of the classic series. "The Day of the Doctor" does one worse, and sees Moffat have his way with the new series, with disastrous results.

Oh gosh how quirky. Truly a program for only the most unique, brilliant, and clever of people.

What's worse than enduring eight years of a mopey, raging, bitchy zoophile Doctor who is generally unpleasant, extremely judgmental of lesser privileged individuals, and severely bipolar? Having done so with the knowledge that he had zero justification to be acting in such a manner. As it turns out, he acted this way because he thought he might have wiped out his own race and blown up his planet. He has selective amnesia and blotted out the memory of actually (not) doing it. As it turns out, the Doctor basically tricked multiple incarnations of himself into being miserable, angsty assholes for no reason except to avoid flat-out overwriting the last eight years of the program.

We don't even get to use the excuse that all this angst accumulated while fighting the other 99% of the Time War, because John Hurt's Doctor is baffled at what could have happened to "make them [his future selves] ashamed of being a grown up" adding "Oh, the way you both look at me. What is that? I'm trying to think of a better word than dread." Based on this and the "War Doctor's" generally sunny disposition, we can only conclude that eons of war had no impact on his character whatsoever and it was him forgetting that he didn't blow up his planet that turned him into a genocidal, self-obsessed sociopath. Eight years consisting of (and driven almost entirely by) loads of contrived, cringe inducing angst for no reason.

It was a real shame that Davison's Doctor sacrificed himself to save Peri, only to obliterate her in a nuclear explosion as he regenerated.

This theme of negating entire swaths of the program carries over into "The Time of the Doctor" and invalidates several complaints in my previous post by undoing the events of "Name". Of course "Doctor Who" doesn't end with the Doctor dying in a war on a graveyard planet. History just gets rewritten instantly and he eventually regenerates back into Tom Baker and becomes a museum curator. I would bitch about this being crap too, but there's no point, because that too will get rewritten once Moffat or an equally inept successor comes up with a worse idea.

A story of a man bored with life in a dusty old repository ends by him choosing to retire to another dusty old repository.

"But it's for the kids!" you wail. No it isn't. The original series was, but its writers didn't assume their viewing audience was mentally subnormal and tried to do their job properly. "Time of the Doctor" was 50 minutes of characters humping each other (literally), followed by a bewilderingly stupid regeneration energy holocaust. It's not being written for kids, it's being written by Steven Moffat, for Steven Moffat (and his circle of 'elevated super fans'). Most adult viewers can't even decipher the plot threads anymore; I fear simply assuming there are plots to decipher is being stupidly optimistic. What we have now is a labyrinth of artificially complex plot holes and contradictions that can be drastically rewritten at any point. Any children left watching are here for bright lights and baby talk catchphrases. A program that once encouraged developing, inquisitive minds to think critically now punishes them by revealing one-dimensional bullshit and plot holes behind every mystery.

What I loved about Doctor Who was that it didn't ask to be taken seriously. Being raised on shitty B-movies, it appealed to me because it was essentially a B-movie, but with clever writing and a good sense of humor. This started to fade in the late 80's as it became less clever and more B-movie, but the show got axed before both qualities could wither away completely. With all of its fairy dust, painfully bad re-imaginings of characters, and garbage plotting, the "Doctor Who" we've gotten from 1996-present is virtually unrecognizable. It's painfully clear that despite the excellent casting decision of Capaldi, nothing will change under Moffat. "New teeth kidneys, we're crashing", delivered like yet another Tennant clone. I won't be watching. Why bother? It is a continuity-heavy series of recycled, formulaic events yet these events will be overwritten, undermined, or just flat out forgotten on a whim.

Keeping up with this fan-fiction is the very definition of futility. Nothing that happens matters, but everything that happens is required to follow the current overarching "plot".

Steven Moffat is a Cunt

"The Name of the Doctor" is essentially forty-five excruciating minutes of Steven Moffat painfully and meticulously rubbing his ejaculate into every nook and crevice of the program's history- past, present, and future. You see, Steven Moffat is not content to be one of the many show-runners behind Doctor Who. He must become Doctor Who. He must control everything that has ever happened and ever will happen in Doctor Who.

Step 1 - Literally copy and paste a special snowflake (sorry, the not at all self-indulgently named 'Impossible Girl') ad nauseam into every story in the show's history via extremely embarrassing composite shots. Apparently at every point in the Doctor's time line, the ironically named "Great Intelligence" (some unhappy loser who steals souls via wifi connections, not to be confused with the nebulous, Lovecraftian classic Doctor Who villain of the same name) will try to kill the Doctor. But fortunately there is a scrawny young girl who will stop him each time. Somehow. I assume it has something to do with waving leaves around and preaching about 'infinite possibilities' to Richard E. Grant until he sneers himself out of existence.

The retroactive immortalizing of a Mary Sue isn't nearly enough though. What about the future? Surely someone will come along and dethrone Moffat at some point. But if this were to happen, Moffat won't be in control of what happens in Doctor Who anymore! Horrifying!

But once again, Moffat's got it covered. By introducing the Doctor's grave on Trenzalore, he accomplishes a few key things. First of all, whatever happens, the story of the Doctor will come to an end on this planet. The Doctor dies in some contrived battle on a graveyard planet. Phew, now nobody can write an interesting or original climax to the program. Also, the inside of the TARDIS grave is the current interior design, to ensure that either nobody can come up with a better one, or it has to pointlessly revert to this one (which Moffat can then pretend is an homage to himself).

(Edit: I mistakenly assumed here that Moffat had enough creative integrity to not completely overwrite his own story lines within 1-2 episodes. This was naive in the extreme, and is addressed in the next post "Steven Moffat is a Cunt: part 2")

The problem remains though, the Doctor still has two lives left (well, just one counting that "Journey's End" debacle), and a lot could happen in that time to undermine Moffat's will. Not to fear- why not introduce a new super secret Doctor that no one knows about? This makes Smith the twelfth and penultimate incarnation of the Doctor, and with any luck, he'll leave before the Führer does. This way, he can be in charge of casting the thirteenth and final Doctor, completing his mission to force his influence into every facet of the program.

Moffat once said "It’s heartbreaking in a way because you’re trying to tell stories. And stories depend on surprise. Stories depend on shocking people. Stories are the moments that you didn’t see coming." before wishing that people who ruin endings would "go and be fans of something else." Besides providing evidence that all of his storytelling is cheap sensationalism, this quote is particularly damning after this episode. Thanks for ruining the ending to this enormous 50+ year story and demonstrating what an utter narcissist you are Moffat. Please follow your own advice, fuck off, and go be a fan of something else.

-DID YOU KNOW?-
According to "The Name of the Doctor", time-travelers adopt a title, a new name, before leaving Gallifrey. Theta Sigma chose "THE  DOCTOR". It's a promise you see, to protect the innocent and defend the powerless.

Theta Sigma upholds this 'promise' right from the start. Two primitive Earth creatures get into his TARDIS, so he does what any champion of justice would do. Ignoring his granddaughter's pleas for mercy, he electrocutes one of them and then kidnaps them both. After flinging his prisoners into harm's way on prehistoric Earth, they find themselves running from mortal peril while encumbered by an injured caveman. Never fear, THE DOCTOR, the embodiment of everything good in the universe, tries to speed up their escape by attempting to beat the wounded man's skull in with a rock. He then saves his own hide (and those of his prisoners) by inciting a stoning and immediately fucks everyone over again when he intentionally breaks his own time machine in order to explore a city on a radiation soaked planet that everyone but him wants to leave.

If he actually watched (or had any respect for) the show's history that he is supposed to be celebrating, Moffat would have realized that Hartnell's tenure on the show is the 'dark and moody Doctor' concept done right. Ironically, this is a theme Moffat is obsessed with, but either believes he invented it or wants everyone to believe that he invented it. So he hamfistedly overwrites wonderful characters from the program's past in order to make way for his puerile bastardizations.

Disclaimer: Steven Moffat would like to assure you that all negative opinions contained within this post are completely invalid, as he puts it: "angry internetters are serial killers without the social skills to meet victims". As my inability to appreciate true genius clearly stems from some inherent psychopathy, the contents of this post should not be read by anyone.