Steven Moffat is a Cunt

"The Name of the Doctor" is essentially forty-five excruciating minutes of Steven Moffat painfully and meticulously rubbing his ejaculate into every nook and crevice of the program's history- past, present, and future. You see, Steven Moffat is not content to be one of the many show-runners behind Doctor Who. He must become Doctor Who. He must control everything that has ever happened and ever will happen in Doctor Who.

Step 1 - Literally copy and paste a special snowflake (sorry, the not at all self-indulgently named 'Impossible Girl') ad nauseam into every story in the show's history via extremely embarrassing composite shots. Apparently at every point in the Doctor's time line, the ironically named "Great Intelligence" (some unhappy loser who steals souls via wifi connections, not to be confused with the nebulous, Lovecraftian classic Doctor Who villain of the same name) will try to kill the Doctor. But fortunately there is a scrawny young girl who will stop him each time. Somehow. I assume it has something to do with waving leaves around and preaching about 'infinite possibilities' to Richard E. Grant until he sneers himself out of existence.

The retroactive immortalizing of a Mary Sue isn't nearly enough though. What about the future? Surely someone will come along and dethrone Moffat at some point. But if this were to happen, Moffat won't be in control of what happens in Doctor Who anymore! Horrifying!

But once again, Moffat's got it covered. By introducing the Doctor's grave on Trenzalore, he accomplishes a few key things. First of all, whatever happens, the story of the Doctor will come to an end on this planet. The Doctor dies in some contrived battle on a graveyard planet. Phew, now nobody can write an interesting or original climax to the program. Also, the inside of the TARDIS grave is the current interior design, to ensure that either nobody can come up with a better one, or it has to pointlessly revert to this one (which Moffat can then pretend is an homage to himself).

(Edit: I mistakenly assumed here that Moffat had enough creative integrity to not completely overwrite his own story lines within 1-2 episodes. This was naive in the extreme, and is addressed in the next post "Steven Moffat is a Cunt: part 2")

The problem remains though, the Doctor still has two lives left (well, just one counting that "Journey's End" debacle), and a lot could happen in that time to undermine Moffat's will. Not to fear- why not introduce a new super secret Doctor that no one knows about? This makes Smith the twelfth and penultimate incarnation of the Doctor, and with any luck, he'll leave before the Führer does. This way, he can be in charge of casting the thirteenth and final Doctor, completing his mission to force his influence into every facet of the program.

Moffat once said "It’s heartbreaking in a way because you’re trying to tell stories. And stories depend on surprise. Stories depend on shocking people. Stories are the moments that you didn’t see coming." before wishing that people who ruin endings would "go and be fans of something else." Besides providing evidence that all of his storytelling is cheap sensationalism, this quote is particularly damning after this episode. Thanks for ruining the ending to this enormous 50+ year story and demonstrating what an utter narcissist you are Moffat. Please follow your own advice, fuck off, and go be a fan of something else.

-DID YOU KNOW?-
According to "The Name of the Doctor", time-travelers adopt a title, a new name, before leaving Gallifrey. Theta Sigma chose "THE  DOCTOR". It's a promise you see, to protect the innocent and defend the powerless.

Theta Sigma upholds this 'promise' right from the start. Two primitive Earth creatures get into his TARDIS, so he does what any champion of justice would do. Ignoring his granddaughter's pleas for mercy, he electrocutes one of them and then kidnaps them both. After flinging his prisoners into harm's way on prehistoric Earth, they find themselves running from mortal peril while encumbered by an injured caveman. Never fear, THE DOCTOR, the embodiment of everything good in the universe, tries to speed up their escape by attempting to beat the wounded man's skull in with a rock. He then saves his own hide (and those of his prisoners) by inciting a stoning and immediately fucks everyone over again when he intentionally breaks his own time machine in order to explore a city on a radiation soaked planet that everyone but him wants to leave.

If he actually watched (or had any respect for) the show's history that he is supposed to be celebrating, Moffat would have realized that Hartnell's tenure on the show is the 'dark and moody Doctor' concept done right. Ironically, this is a theme Moffat is obsessed with, but either believes he invented it or wants everyone to believe that he invented it. So he hamfistedly overwrites wonderful characters from the program's past in order to make way for his puerile bastardizations.

Disclaimer: Steven Moffat would like to assure you that all negative opinions contained within this post are completely invalid, as he puts it: "angry internetters are serial killers without the social skills to meet victims". As my inability to appreciate true genius clearly stems from some inherent psychopathy, the contents of this post should not be read by anyone.